connections

I’ve been thinking the past few days about how unpredictable and strange is the human desire for connection. In my own life, sometimes I meet people and instantly I just want to know everything about them. There isn’t really any explanation for why. What makes THIS person more interesting than THAT person? Why is it that with some people I’m fine with a surface acquaintance and with others I desire REAL friendship. And why do I miss some old friends passionately when away from them and others I hardly think about?

Not sure how to answer any of these questions. Not even sure really that I need to answer them. Just thinking.

trading these ashes in for beauty

Been having a bit of a hard day on this Sunday. Jesus is good and His truth is amazing, but I think I’ve been believing lies so long and so subtly that it’s going to take a while to replace them with truth.

But I’ve been thinking for a while about how the economy of Jesus is all about exchanging all the ugly, nasty things of our lives for the amazing and priceless treasures He has for us. He’s not a capitalist. He’s not a Communist. He says, “Here, I’ll take your rags, and I’ll give you riches.” That truth brings comfort to all the hurting places. 

So tonight I’m handing over my ashes.

Shaken, not stirred

Friday night, on my way home from work after the longest two weeks of my life, I ran into my ex-boyfriend on the bus. This was… unpleasant, to say the least. Actually, while he talked to me, asking me questions about my life, I felt my face getting hot and worried that I was blushing. I also felt tears stinging the backs of my eyes and worried that I was going to start crying in front of him.

This was not how I had planned to see him again. I would have preferred that I was at a fabulous restaurant with a fabulous boyfriend/fiance/husband and that he was alone and rejected. That’s the meanness in me coming out, and I apologize. But the truth is, this man hurt me more than just about anyone in my life. When he broke up with me, it made me feel small and inadequate, not good enough to make him like me.

Seeing him again was not something I had planned for my evening. And, even though, it’s been a year and a half since we broke up, seeing him again brought back all my old feelings of inadequacy. Or, rather, brought them back up to the surface from where they’ve been lurking just a few inches down. You see, I feel inadequate most of the time. I feel like there MUST be something wrong with me. Otherwise, I would not be thirty years old, watching thirty-one rapidly approach with no husband, no children, and not even the prospect of a husband and children on the horizon.

I don’t even have the excuse that I’ve been concentrating on my career or on serving the Lord. I have no degree, a job but not a career, no car, no savings. I am essentially a loser, just a breath away from living at home with my parents.

I know that God is good, that Jesus has something he wants to do with this life He has given me. I worry, though, that I am squandering it. That I am not paying attention to what he is trying to tell me. I worry that I’m going to wake up one day and my life will have been wasted. How have I come to this place? And, more importantly, how do I get out of it?

I have no idea how to answer these questions. I feel like I’m floundering and I don’t know what to do from here. It’s been a bad weekend, and I don’t see how the coming week is going to be any better. The thought that another year is over is depressing.

So, on that note, cheerio. Happy New Year.

it’s a niece!!!

By the way, I forgot to mention in last night’s post that my sister Susan called last night and told me that she’s having a GIRL! Excitement abounds and all that jazz. I can’t wait to go shopping! Fred Meyer had these adorable little pink and brown onesies on sale that say “I love my auntie” on them. I’m hoping they still have some so I can get her one!

carry me home

I just finished the short novel O Pioneers! by Willa Cather, which I highly recommend to anyone who enjoys reading. There is a description in the book of a recurring dream the main character, Alexandra, has. In Alexandra’s dream, she feels herself lifted by arms stronger than any man’s and carried farther than she could even imagine being carried. In her dream, she experiences the feeling of lightness in being carried by such strong arms. Cather tells us in the book that at first Alexandra experienced this feeling most early in the morning when she was first waking up. But as she got older, she started feeling it most when she was most tired, as she was falling asleep at night.

I read this and I almost started crying. I thought, “That’s Jesus!” I actually was quite certain that was what Willa Cather was trying to say. Having finished the book, I think she probably meant that Alexandra was being carried along by the land she loved. But I’m sorry to say that Willa Cather was wrong. Land can not love you, hold you, or carry you. But Jesus is stronger than any man and He can and does carry me farther than I could ever imagine.

I was thinking of this tonight at neighborhood group while we were worshipping. I felt like Jesus was asking me to just rest my head back against the couch I was sitting on and to just let Him love me. I didn’t feel like I had to summon up love for Him or prove something to Him or anything else. I just let Him carry me. I want to live my whole life that way, resting in Jesus and letting Him carry me.

BSG withdrawal

So I missed Battlestar Galactica last night because we were watching a movie. I thought, no big deal. I’ll just watch it on the internet on Saturday. Because I just assumed it would be there. But… it’s not there! And I want to see unboxing Deanna!! Gah! Stupid Sci-Fi channel!

tonight on the Gilmore Girls

So every night when I come home from work, I watch Gilmore Girls while I eat dinner. It does not matter that I have seen every episode like 100 times. I still watch them and laugh and cry and act like these people are really my friends. Well… tonight on Gilmore Girls was the one where Lorelai and Sookie take Rory, Paris, Louise, and Madeline to see the Bangles. And in this episode is the beautiful Tristan.

Which leads me to the real point of this post: OMG!!! One Tree Hill is the best show EVER! You think I joke. You think I mock. I do not mock. I do not joke. It has everything. It has Lucas, who is Tristan only “nice” (because he looks the same, because it’s the same actor, right?). It has good music. It has Peyton, who is my favorite because she’s so depressed and brooding and yet… a cheerleader! She’s a walking identity crisis. And in the fifth season, it has the second cutest child IN THE WORLD, trailing my darling little boy E by a nose. Also, it has shootings and heart attacks and recycled plot lines. It is, in short, fantastic. And I am in love.

in search of a home

I’ve been having a hard time over the last month or so missing Sacramento. I’ve been feeling like Sacramento is home and, while I love Portland, I’ve been away from home for a long time. But at church this morning I got a good reminder that my true home is with Jesus. This may sound trite and simplistic, but the truest things are often the simplest. My home is not in any specific place on this Earth. My home is with Jesus. So I can be at home in Portland or Sacramento or Timbuktu. I need to stop searching for contentment in places and people and start looking to the only One who can ever really bring me contentment.

In the midst of all this, I’m also literally searching for a home. Our lease is up in a month and we’re looking for a house to move into. If anyone knows of a great house for rent in Portland, let me know!

Saturday morning

It’s Saturday morning and I find myself feeling restless and vaguely dissatisfied. I would like to write, but I feel like everything that comes out of me is trite and ridiculous. I have so many things I need to do (get my car fixed, clean my room, find my registration papers for Multnomah) but instead I am sitting at my computer staring off into space. I’m pretty sure that this life that I lead was not what Jesus had in mind when he said that He came so that we could have life to the full.

late to the party

Just finished Bitter Is the New Black by Jen Lancaster (LOVE!). It was fantastic. But, as the subject of this post states, I’m late to this particular party. She already has two other books out and has a fantastic blog that thousands of people besides me have already discovered.

I have found myself discovering many of my obsessions waaaaay after the fact lately. Case in point, Battlestar Galactica. Best show on TV, love love love! Discovered after the third season had already ended. Luckily, there was an incredibly long break between seasons and I can watch television seasons obscenely quickly (*ahem* get a life *ahem*), so I am all caught up and watching the fourth season now. Did I mention there is love involved here?

Anyway, to the 2 people who read this, go visit http://www.jennsylvania.com. Read the books! Enjoy!

Kisses!!