Posted in Uncategorized on November 19, 2009 by diaryofafangirl

The scene: Living room. Roommate and I are watching TV. She is flipping through the channels.

I spot… Could it be?

“Wait! Go back!” I say.

She obliges. And there it is in all its cheesy, crunchy, gordita-y glory…

The cheesy gordita crunch is back for a limited time. Make a run for the border!


Can I have more of you?

Posted in Uncategorized on November 15, 2009 by diaryofafangirl

First, can I just say how much I love coming to my blog and seeing Lee and Kara? I should change the banner to a new version, but I just really enjoy seeing them. But BSG isn’t even on any more. Maybe I should change it to a Booth & Bones banner…

Anyway… while I could write a whole post about how much I love Bones, I will refrain. Instead I want to talk to the internet tonight about how amazing Jesus is. And how He is freeing me from the baggage that I’ve stubbornly been lugging around for the last month. And how my heavenly Father loves me more than I can ever imagine.

So, I took care of the kids during my church’s staff meeting tonight. The meeting is in a house about 10 blocks away, so I walked there. During my walk, I usually contemplate my life, my relationship with Jesus, the nature of the universe, etc. Today I was thinking about some things I’d talked over with my roommate today and some other things I’ve been thinking about.

One is about a song we sing at church (and other songs like it). In the song, we ask God to give us more of Him. This always reminds me of one year at Multnomah’s all-college retreat when one of the professors told us that we already have all of Jesus we’re ever going to get. I think this is so important and these songs (very subtly) make us have a wrong perspective of who God is. When we sing about needing more of Jesus, we are saying, “Please give us those pieces of Yourself that You are holding back.” I think God hears these songs and is grieved. I imagine him saying, “My beloved child… I have nothing left to give you of Me. Not because I am holding something back, but because I have already given you all of Me. There is no more to give.”

This does not mean that we are experiencing all of God. But we CAN experience all of God. The barrier is not Him, but us. The issue is not that He is holding back, but that WE are holding back. When we sing these songs asking for more of Jesus, we need to think not that we are asking for more of Him, but that we are asking for less of us to get in the way of Him. If that makes any sense.

The second contemplation for the evening is this: The love of my Father in heaven is NOT a consolation prize. It’s not the love I get out of pity because I don’t have a husband. It’s not the love that will tide me over until the real thing comes along. It IS the real thing. Everything else pales in comparison.

So, there you go. I am so thankful tonight for God’s love. I feel freed today from the sadness and self-pity I’ve been carrying around for the past month. Jesus is good. ALWAYS. The Father is good. ALWAYS. The Holy Spirit is good. ALWAYS. And he LOVES me. And that is not second-best.


Posted in musings on June 25, 2009 by diaryofafangirl

I’ve been thinking the past few days about how unpredictable and strange is the human desire for connection. In my own life, sometimes I meet people and instantly I just want to know everything about them. There isn’t really any explanation for why. What makes THIS person more interesting than THAT person? Why is it that with some people I’m fine with a surface acquaintance and with others I desire REAL friendship. And why do I miss some old friends passionately when away from them and others I hardly think about?

Not sure how to answer any of these questions. Not even sure really that I need to answer them. Just thinking.

trading these ashes in for beauty

Posted in Uncategorized on June 14, 2009 by diaryofafangirl

Been having a bit of a hard day on this Sunday. Jesus is good and His truth is amazing, but I think I’ve been believing lies so long and so subtly that it’s going to take a while to replace them with truth.

But I’ve been thinking for a while about how the economy of Jesus is all about exchanging all the ugly, nasty things of our lives for the amazing and priceless treasures He has for us. He’s not a capitalist. He’s not a Communist. He says, “Here, I’ll take your rags, and I’ll give you riches.” That truth brings comfort to all the hurting places. 

So tonight I’m handing over my ashes.

Shaken, not stirred

Posted in Uncategorized on December 28, 2008 by diaryofafangirl

Friday night, on my way home from work after the longest two weeks of my life, I ran into my ex-boyfriend on the bus. This was… unpleasant, to say the least. Actually, while he talked to me, asking me questions about my life, I felt my face getting hot and worried that I was blushing. I also felt tears stinging the backs of my eyes and worried that I was going to start crying in front of him.

This was not how I had planned to see him again. I would have preferred that I was at a fabulous restaurant with a fabulous boyfriend/fiance/husband and that he was alone and rejected. That’s the meanness in me coming out, and I apologize. But the truth is, this man hurt me more than just about anyone in my life. When he broke up with me, it made me feel small and inadequate, not good enough to make him like me.

Seeing him again was not something I had planned for my evening. And, even though, it’s been a year and a half since we broke up, seeing him again brought back all my old feelings of inadequacy. Or, rather, brought them back up to the surface from where they’ve been lurking just a few inches down. You see, I feel inadequate most of the time. I feel like there MUST be something wrong with me. Otherwise, I would not be thirty years old, watching thirty-one rapidly approach with no husband, no children, and not even the prospect of a husband and children on the horizon.

I don’t even have the excuse that I’ve been concentrating on my career or on serving the Lord. I have no degree, a job but not a career, no car, no savings. I am essentially a loser, just a breath away from living at home with my parents.

I know that God is good, that Jesus has something he wants to do with this life He has given me. I worry, though, that I am squandering it. That I am not paying attention to what he is trying to tell me. I worry that I’m going to wake up one day and my life will have been wasted. How have I come to this place? And, more importantly, how do I get out of it?

I have no idea how to answer these questions. I feel like I’m floundering and I don’t know what to do from here. It’s been a bad weekend, and I don’t see how the coming week is going to be any better. The thought that another year is over is depressing.

So, on that note, cheerio. Happy New Year.

it’s a niece!!!

Posted in life with tags , , on September 19, 2008 by diaryofafangirl

By the way, I forgot to mention in last night’s post that my sister Susan called last night and told me that she’s having a GIRL! Excitement abounds and all that jazz. I can’t wait to go shopping! Fred Meyer had these adorable little pink and brown onesies on sale that say “I love my auntie” on them. I’m hoping they still have some so I can get her one!

carry me home

Posted in life on September 18, 2008 by diaryofafangirl

I just finished the short novel O Pioneers! by Willa Cather, which I highly recommend to anyone who enjoys reading. There is a description in the book of a recurring dream the main character, Alexandra, has. In Alexandra’s dream, she feels herself lifted by arms stronger than any man’s and carried farther than she could even imagine being carried. In her dream, she experiences the feeling of lightness in being carried by such strong arms. Cather tells us in the book that at first Alexandra experienced this feeling most early in the morning when she was first waking up. But as she got older, she started feeling it most when she was most tired, as she was falling asleep at night.

I read this and I almost started crying. I thought, “That’s Jesus!” I actually was quite certain that was what Willa Cather was trying to say. Having finished the book, I think she probably meant that Alexandra was being carried along by the land she loved. But I’m sorry to say that Willa Cather was wrong. Land can not love you, hold you, or carry you. But Jesus is stronger than any man and He can and does carry me farther than I could ever imagine.

I was thinking of this tonight at neighborhood group while we were worshipping. I felt like Jesus was asking me to just rest my head back against the couch I was sitting on and to just let Him love me. I didn’t feel like I had to summon up love for Him or prove something to Him or anything else. I just let Him carry me. I want to live my whole life that way, resting in Jesus and letting Him carry me.